Funemployment is the Key to Stopping ISIS

Forget about a jobs program for those disaffected single males aged 20 to 40 who have been magnetically drawn to the Middle East by the siren song of crazy clerics, and joined the caliphate. What we really need to defeat these down-on-their-luckers is a good PR campaign. When the Ad Council has wrapped up their latest PSA about the dangers posed by undercooked hamburgers, I hope they’ll direct their attentions eastward. A couple of voiceover actors, some glossy infographics and maybe a viral video or two should be enough to convince these depressed decapitators to put down their blades and pick up that hobby they’ve been neglecting. It’s time to introduce the Islamic State to Funemployment!

Funemployment was all the rage back in 2009. Those who lost their jobs at the onset of the Great Recession were living it up, making the most of their newfound free time. The LA Times described this phenomenon fun-nomenon thusly:

While millions of Americans struggle to find work as they face foreclosures and bankruptcy, others have found a silver lining in the economic meltdown. These happily jobless tend to be single and in their 20s and 30s. Some were laid off. Some quit voluntarily, lured by generous buyouts.

“I feel like I’ve been given a gift of time and clarity,” said Aubrey Howell, 29, of Franklin, Tenn., who was laid off from her job as a tea shop manager in April. After sleeping in late and visiting family in Florida, she recently mused on Twitter: “Unemployment or funemployment?”

Never heard of funemployment? Here’s Urban Dictionary’s definition: “The condition of a person who takes advantage of being out of a job to have the time of their life. I spent all day Tuesday at the pool; funemployment rocks!”

Funemployment rocks more than stoning a woman, a homosexual, or a Jew! Feel free to steal that for your tagline Ad Council. You’re welcome.

These poor forgotten fire-starters just need to recognize that they have been given the opportunity of a lifetime here. All they have to do to seize their prize is file for unemployment. Per the description given by Adbul Muhid in Graeme Wood’s piece at The Atlantic, those benefits should exist as part of the divinely mandated social safety net:

When we sat down, he was eager to discuss welfare. The Islamic State may have medieval-style punishments for moral crimes (lashes for boozing or fornication, stoning for adultery), but its social-welfare program is, at least in some aspects, progressive to a degree that would please an MSNBC pundit. Health care, he said, is free. (“Isn’t it free in Britain, too?,” I asked. “Not really,” he said. “Some procedures aren’t covered, such as vision.”) This provision of social welfare was not, he said, a policy choice of the Islamic State, but a policy obligation inherent in God’s law.

They must not know that the answer to their meteorite-directed prayers lies in filling out a few forms. If killing them won’t stop them, then it is absolutely essential that someone steps up and educates the murderous masses about the wonders of Funemployment. Once they know that they have financial freedom to chase their dreams, they will drop the fixed-blades, strap on some rollerblades, and hit the open road.

Dinosaur Flatulence Caused Global Warming: Stupid Conservative Joke to Brilliant Liberal Science

Back in 2007, Dana Rorhbacher (R-CA) caught a bunch of flak from the left when he joked about dinosaur farts being a cause for global warming. Some over zealous leftists even made a video to make fun of Rorhbacher’s obvious joke. They present evidence that suggests that there is no way dinosaur farts could account for “all emissions responsible for past warming cycles.”

FireDogLake couldn’t resist taking a swipe at Rorhbacher.
“Now, I know it was probably some sort of smart-assed retort to protect whatever pollution-friendly interests were funding whatever was making Rohrbacher happy in the moment but…hello?!? Yes, I’m certain that we can all stop for a moment in our day to pause and reflect on how dinosaur farts could, indeed, be the cause of a mass, global extinction. Now THAT is some powerful tooting, if you ask me.”

Think Progress also posted the FireDogLake Article on their site.

Oh but it could be true. Current Biology journal published the findings of a “scientific” study that was conducted by David Wilkinson of Liverpool John Moores University and Graeme Ruxton of the University of St. Andrews.

Wilkinson and Ruxton worked in conjunction with methane expert Euan Nisbet at the University of London to “make an educated guess about the degree to which gaseous emissions from sauropods could have warmed the atmosphere.” [Reuters; It’s a gas: dinosaur flatulence may have warmed the Earth.]

These guys came up with a mathematical formula to determine how much methane gas may have been emitted by sauropod dinosaurs. “A simple mathematical model suggests that the microbes living in sauropod dinosaurs may have produced enough methane to have an important effect on the Mesozoic climate,” said researcher Dave Wilkinson.

Here’s the neato graph they created;

So what’s the end game here? Seems to me that this is the starting gun to commence an assault on methane emissions.  Australia has already placed a carbon-credit bounty on its ferral camel population.  And here in the US, they’d just love to start taxing livestock, and any other animal whose flatulence may pose a supposed threat to our environment.

Keep your hemp-mittened hands off of our cows!

Here are a few tweets from “reputable” sources about the dino-farts-may-have-caused-prehistoric-warming revelation;

BBC News UK

Discovery News

The Huffington Post is buying it…

Live Science

Gizmodo

TreeHugger.com

I reached out (via twitter of course) to the biggest global warming true believer on the planet. No not Al Gore silly, I’m talking about Jose Canseco.

I have yet to receive a response. If I do, I’m sure that it will be just as intelligent and coherent as his previous statements about global warming.

Silver Spoons Episode 101: Guess Who Had a Zoo

I never had any interest in reading either of Obama’s memoirs, but that changed when I read Jim Treacher’s Daily Caller piece, “Obama Bites Dog“.

Turns out none of the left-wing media sycophants ever bothered to read Obama’s book, “Dreams From My Father”, or surely they would have engaged in preemptive damage control.

Unwilling to pay for a copy of Obama’s book, since he’s already stolen enough money from me via taxation, I checked my library’s overdrive offerings.  Low and behold, both e-book copies of ‘Dreams’ were available, click to download, and I was off!

I had rather low expectations of the writing abilities of our “smartest president evah” considering his propensity to stumble over common words (see: corpsman and un-intellected)  I was pleasantly surprised to find the prose are quite beautiful.  It’s a quick read, and I thought about holding off on posting my findings until I had completed the book, but the stuff I’ve found so far is just too good to hold back.

Only 44 pages into ‘Dreams’, I came upon this:

So Obama not only had a pet ape named Tata, he had his own zoo! I’ll eat my flip-flop if you can find me one American kid who wouldn’t want to have their own zoo.  Quick, somebody ask born-with-silver-spoon-in-mouth Mitt Romney if he ever had his own zoo!

Silver Spoons Starring the Obamas

Maybe Obama wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he has spent the last three years luxuriating on our dime.

For the sake of fairness I decided to re-cut the opening credits of the 80’s sitcom ‘Silver Spoons’, and make the Obamas the stars.

Selective Outrage: Rock the Slut Vote Edition

Rush Limbaugh has been lambasted for referring to Sandra Fluke as a ‘slut’.   The use of this word enraged feminists (read the liberal left) and birthed the still unsubstantiated, “GOP war on women”.

While poking around on some democrat sites yesterday I came upon what I first took to be a ruse, a prank, perpetrated by The Onion perhaps.   But oh no my dear readers, I assure you that this very real.

I give you: ROCK THE SLUT VOTE

Check it out y’all there is even a facebook group which as of today, has been liked by, what I presume to be 854 “sluts”.

And have no fear the Rock the Slut Vote twitter account is here!

If you would like to weigh in on what the Rock the Slut Vote theme song should be, better respond to this tweet before your vote goes uncounted….

Are all of you formerly angry women now happy to wrap your arms around such an insulting term?  Is this some attempt to ‘take back the night slut’?

I see you’re also selling t-shirts.  Are you profiting off of the term now too?  If so I think you may owe Mr. Limbaugh some royalties or at the very least a thank you note.  Good luck sluts ladies!

Oh and just in case there was any doubt about which party the Rock the Slut Vote contingent backs, this map, from their site should clear up any confusion.