Funemployment is the Key to Stopping ISIS

Forget about a jobs program for those disaffected single males aged 20 to 40 who have been magnetically drawn to the Middle East by the siren song of crazy clerics, and joined the caliphate. What we really need to defeat these down-on-their-luckers is a good PR campaign. When the Ad Council has wrapped up their latest PSA about the dangers posed by undercooked hamburgers, I hope they’ll direct their attentions eastward. A couple of voiceover actors, some glossy infographics and maybe a viral video or two should be enough to convince these depressed decapitators to put down their blades and pick up that hobby they’ve been neglecting. It’s time to introduce the Islamic State to Funemployment!

Funemployment was all the rage back in 2009. Those who lost their jobs at the onset of the Great Recession were living it up, making the most of their newfound free time. The LA Times described this phenomenon fun-nomenon thusly:

While millions of Americans struggle to find work as they face foreclosures and bankruptcy, others have found a silver lining in the economic meltdown. These happily jobless tend to be single and in their 20s and 30s. Some were laid off. Some quit voluntarily, lured by generous buyouts.

“I feel like I’ve been given a gift of time and clarity,” said Aubrey Howell, 29, of Franklin, Tenn., who was laid off from her job as a tea shop manager in April. After sleeping in late and visiting family in Florida, she recently mused on Twitter: “Unemployment or funemployment?”

Never heard of funemployment? Here’s Urban Dictionary’s definition: “The condition of a person who takes advantage of being out of a job to have the time of their life. I spent all day Tuesday at the pool; funemployment rocks!”

Funemployment rocks more than stoning a woman, a homosexual, or a Jew! Feel free to steal that for your tagline Ad Council. You’re welcome.

These poor forgotten fire-starters just need to recognize that they have been given the opportunity of a lifetime here. All they have to do to seize their prize is file for unemployment. Per the description given by Adbul Muhid in Graeme Wood’s piece at The Atlantic, those benefits should exist as part of the divinely mandated social safety net:

When we sat down, he was eager to discuss welfare. The Islamic State may have medieval-style punishments for moral crimes (lashes for boozing or fornication, stoning for adultery), but its social-welfare program is, at least in some aspects, progressive to a degree that would please an MSNBC pundit. Health care, he said, is free. (“Isn’t it free in Britain, too?,” I asked. “Not really,” he said. “Some procedures aren’t covered, such as vision.”) This provision of social welfare was not, he said, a policy choice of the Islamic State, but a policy obligation inherent in God’s law.

They must not know that the answer to their meteorite-directed prayers lies in filling out a few forms. If killing them won’t stop them, then it is absolutely essential that someone steps up and educates the murderous masses about the wonders of Funemployment. Once they know that they have financial freedom to chase their dreams, they will drop the fixed-blades, strap on some rollerblades, and hit the open road.


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